kerchunk, and breath.

I mentioned a few posts back that I have been taking photographs. But I really need to talk about it more. This blog has been just as much about my creative process as about other art and my creative process is in a unusual place of flux. 

I did my artist talk this past week and it is always interesting talking about your work at different points within it. Sometimes you speak with utter confidence totally understanding where you are and where you are going, other times you feel disconnected and bored with it, and then there is the moment where you are in flux. This time it was really beautiful to talk about my work while I am in flux a place of unknown.

Anyway I am getting sidetracked. I had the impulse about 2 weeks ago to get my camera out. I literally have not shot with my hasselblad in probably 5 years now. I was nervous; Can I still work it? Do I remember how to load the film? Can I properly use my handheld meter?  I sat on my bed hands shaking, scared that I had forgotten the touch of my first medium, my true artistic love.

I did remember how to load the film. I found my meter and did know how to use it. I set up my shot, looking down through the ground glass. My heart was pounding... god how gorgeous the square format was, how compelling shallow depth of field makes our world, seeing the light, the color, the emotion of the shot.

Then click, kerchunk, the heavy large shutter opened and closed. I nearly cried. The sound of me, the sound of seeing, the sound of communicating what you see. 

I realize now that by replicating my work in thread I made it more then ordinary, my "banal" subjects and moments were immediately elevated. But maybe sometimes they do not need that elevation. They just need to be seen.

I knew I wanted to be a photographer my freshman year in high school after the first darkroom class I ever took. I knew I wanted to really BE an artist when I lost my artistic voice for awhile and found it again. Working with fiber really allowed me to believe that I was an artist, to possess that word "artist" to build my confidence in my subject matter, my story, etc.  It has led me back to here with the same eyes but a different mind. And I cannot wait to see what happens.

(the top image is a quick image taken with my phone, similar composition of a negative I shot. But it was shocking to see what a difference I got with the control of my lens, aperture, depth of field, square format etc... I cannot wait to see the negative and eventual print. Though it will be a longtime coming as the process is a longtime coming.  It should not have been shocking but when you let your tools gather dust you can forget what they do.)