Thursday, July 15, 2010

mended?


I think I need a little mending...mending of my mind and spirit.
I will admit that I am having a super difficult time mentally adjusting to the fact that I use to spend 6-8 hours everyday in my studio and since the babes arrival essentially run there to shop for supplies.
I miss the studio, I miss NPR, I miss having a sense of what the hell I was doing with my day.
But with the little man I am consumed with his needs and exhausted by them and then...
when I have a free moment he will be in the best mood and totally adorable so I don't want to leave him.

I am the type of person that needs- that thrives on routine and I have not been able to work one out yet with the babe. We try but it just is so different since he is unpredictable and each day I have different needs too.

I know it is possible to figure it out but I simply have not yet and it sucks. I feel like I am not being as good as a mother as I could be and I am definitely not even able to recognize the other me, the me before motherhood.

I have declared this week that it is VERY hard to be a mom, but VERY easy to love your child.
So I am just figuring out how to use that love to ease my mind in other things.

4 comments:

meetmeinthedayroom said...

Motherhood is what made me take the jump from paint to fiber. You learn to work it into your day.

The hardest part of being a new mom for me was the loss of my childless identity. I am a much better, happier person as a mother than I ever was before, but I had to take some time to grieve for the person I was.

I'm telling you as the mother of a 7 year old. You get through it and you'll be stronger and more aware of your core self down the road.

Enjoy your confusion and struggle. I look back on those days fondly.

Okay, that's enough unsolicited advice from me!

Aesthetic Outburst... said...

I have to admit that I'm still struggling with this one- even after two babies. I'm finally trying to just let go a bit and re-adjust my priorities. This time is going to go by SO fast and I know that, 30 years down the road, I may end up longing to have every moment of this back. You're doing great! You're a new mama, you're not alone- it takes time for all of that to sink in. Thinking about you.
xo,
Abbey

krista said...

i've always found it interesting that we are expected to grieve the people we used to be before a traumatic event but not before a (just as monumentous) joyful event. i found it hard to reconcile the idea that i missed some of the freedom of being childless while still in love with being a mother. (i still find it hard to reconcile, truth be told.) the grief change leaves behind.
i'm not sure this is actual advice. more like a nod in recognition.

MarieE said...

This is normal, and frustrating, but it's a short time that kids are so utterly dependent on you that you lose yourself in their needs.
Becoming a mom also got me to switch to fiber! And both things- becoming a mom and finding a new path as a fiber artist have been the best things to happen to me. But it does take time and a shift in perspective and identity. And your work will be richer for it when you do get to the studio.